My wife and I ate a Panera Bread this evening. And when I saw “my wife and I”, I don’t mean to imply that I did any of the actual eating. There was a time when soups, sandwiches and salads where what is known as the “s-group appetizers”. This is a code phrase for “you’ll have an appetite to leave and go somewhere that serves food that ain’t on that goofy health pyramid.” But, no, all the yuppies with their hybrid Hummers (but 10 mpg is better than 8) apparently like this stuff.

I should note that my wife is not a yuppie, she just eats healthy. I know this because when she eats at these places, she gets a water, not some strange ultra-caffienated concoction. And not a bottled water.

Anyway, turns out the yuppies than run these things are cheap-ass. At McDonald’s, where I ate a full (if devoid of nutritious value) meal for six dollars, I take my tray over the trash can when I’m finished and dump the paper remains in. No biggee. Hey, it’s McDonald’s. I’m not paying for service. I’m barely paying for food. So, right, my wife gets a salad at Panera Bread. It comes on a plate (New yuppie motto: “We have non-paper dishes. So we’re better than you.”), with metal fork and knife. So far, so good. So she finishes eating, and takes her plate with her.

If you’re not saying WTF? right now, I’m sorry, but you’re a yuppie. Go buy an espresso.

Yes, this cheap-ass yuppie establishment gives her a plate and whatnot, but expects their customers to bus their own table! This is not McDonald’s. You sell bagels, people! Normal people buy bagels at 7-11, then promptly throw them away. It’s like playing the lottery except without the temptation to try again after you lose. But I digress. All I’m saying is if you’re fancy-shmancy enough to sell all these fancy bagels, you can hire someone to bus the freaking tables.

Which brings me to Q’doba. They’re only half-yuppie. You see, most of what they give you is cheap plastic, easily tossed right? Yes, of course. But, then–why the heck not, they were thinking–they add a metal plate under the plastic plate. Because metal conducts heat more quickly than plastic and they want to burn fingers? I don’t know.

But was that clever enough? No, of course not. You see, since most of the wares are plastic, they have trash cans. But, oh, no, some people might throw away the unneeded metal plates too? What to do?

• Step 1: make the hole on the trash can smaller than the metal plate
• Step 2: (and here is genius at work) make the plastic plate the exact same size as the metal plate!

One of my new (admittedly transient) life goals is to get rich enough so I can buy out Q’doba, find out who thought this up, and then fire his dumb ass. And I know it’s a guy. And I’m pretty sure he was drinking Bud Light when he had the idea.